The Top 5 Myths of Parenting an Infant

Ally Goult RCC MA
Oct 12
10 min read

Discover the truth behind common myths about postpartum and parenting an infant. Learn how to support your mental health and your baby’s development with guidance from a trusted perinatal counsellor.

Becoming a parent comes with endless advice, expectations, and unsolicited opinions — and most of it sets us up to feel like we’re failing. As a perinatal counsellor (and mother), I’ve seen how these myths quietly chip away at new parents’ confidence and mental health. So let’s set the record straight — here are the top five myths about parenting an infant, and what’s actually true, so that you can support both your baby’s wellbeing and your own postpartum mental health in a more empowered, realistic way.

Myth 1: You’ll be able to sleep and get tasks done while your baby is sleeping

Reality: You might not get much done while your baby sleeps, & that’s normal

The notion that mothers can sleep, be productive, or get the household tasks done while the baby is sleeping is much more reflective of cultural imagery and outdated expectations than it is reality...

Before my daughter was born, I really didn’t have a realistic concept of how full-on taking care of her would be, especially in the first 6 months. Yes, I had heard about the sleep deprivation, and I knew that my life was going to change drastically. But, I think before you’re living it, it’s difficult to comprehend that you really won’t have time for much of anything beyond caring for your infant.

Many babies need constant physical touch, especially during sleep. This is a far cry from Western culture’s classic imagery of placing the baby down in their crib, and then being able to leave for 2 hours while you cook, clean, nap, shower, etc. I remember being stunned that when I tried to do this, my daughter would almost instantly wake up. It also made me feel frustrated and inadequate, as though she and I were just somehow broken as a mother/daughter team.

But, as I read and researched more about the neuroscience, I discovered this is actually completely normal and adaptive for babies. Essentially, from the perspective of our evolutionary past, it ensured their safety and survival. So, I learned that neither I, nor my daughter, was doing anything “wrong” when she needed contact for every single nap between 0 to 7 months old… otherwise known as: hours and hours of my time.

If I hadn’t been equipped through my profession to be able to seek out and make sense of the research, I may have felt like a failure, or at the very least, I would have felt continually frustrated that my daughter wasn’t doing what she was “supposed” to do. When, in reality, sleeping close to me was exactly what she was supposed to do. All this to say; without adjusting my notion of what’s realistic for babies, I may have suffered more than I needed to, emotionally. And, if I had known in advance to expect this, simply embracing it from the start would have been easier.

It’s so important for new mothers to know that not only is it normal for babies to need physical contact most of the time, but also that giving them this is actually the single most important thing for their brains and nervous systems. If you can adjust your expectations of infant parenting, and make other arrangements or accommodations accessible to you, your mental and emotional health will thank you - because you will be so much more resourced.

Examples could look like… having a friend stop by for 20 minutes on their way to work to hold your baby while you shower, having a family member stop in for the afternoon to support your baby while you clean the kitchen or take a nap, having your partner take a “shift” in the evening so you can retreat to the bedroom for some short self-soothing or reset time.

Myth 2: You’ll instantly feel bonded and head over heels in love with your baby

Reality: Deep bonds take time, and familiarity

Again, with the cultural, idealistic, imagery... and, this time, I mean the one where the new mama, fresh out of labour, meets her baby for the first time and instantly falls into the deepest possible love with them, without ever looking back.

Let me clarify - I DID instantly fall in love with my baby, but not in the way that I thought I would. It was more of a primal, instinctive, deeply protective love. The feeling of “wow, I would literally do anything for you".

But, the reality was, and is for many mamas of newborns, I didn't know her yet! How could you experience a deep love and unshakable bond with someone you don’t know? The answer is: you can’t! This isn’t something new moms get properly prepared for, let alone have normalized for them.

Truth is: it’s normal, healthy, and okay that when you first meet your newborn, they feel foreign, things feel weird, and you may not feel instantly head over heels yet - at least not in the way it’s pictured in the movies. But don’t worry, that comes.

The tidal wave of changes that hit you as a newly postpartum mother are hard to articulate. Your body is broken, you don’t recognize yourself, or your life, and all of a sudden, this tiny being needs you 24/7 - literally. So, simply put, it’s not a very conducive circumstance to feeling deeply connected to this brand new little alien that you just grew, and birthed - eek.

For the mamas that DO fall head over heels instantly, this is beautiful and amazing. But, the point is that if you DON’T, you are actually in the “norm” - what you’re feeling is to be expected, and there is zero reason to worry or feel guilty.

And disclaimer... if things don’t begin to change, or you continue to have a hard time connecting with your baby, that’s usually a sign you may need some mental or emotional health support. It’s important to reach out for postpartum depression (PPD) support from your doctor or therapist. And, remember, there is no shame in doing so - it is not your fault, and you are not doing anything “wrong”, for experiencing this.

Myth 3: Babies adhere to schedules

Reality: Babies thrive on routine, not rigid schedules

It’s so common in Western culture to expect and encourage babies to follow specific feeding and sleeping schedules. But, to many's surprise, it’s not at all realistic or helpful to take this approach.

Babies are dynamic, unique individuals, which means that the feeding needs of one will look completely different from another's.

For example, one baby may have excellent milk transfer and only need to breastfeed for about 5 minutes every 2 hours to be totally satisfied. Another may struggle more to get the milk they need during feedings, and need to stay on the boob for closer to 20 minutes. This will not only affect how often they need to feed, but also the interval at which they’re feeding. This is one of the reasons why taking a scheduled approach, as imposed by any external opinions or advice, is unrealistic and unhelpful.

Instead, try simply paying attention to the cues of YOUR baby! They are born intuitive, and they will ask for what they need. So, an alternative approach to expecting your baby to adhere to a set schedule (for sleep, or feeding) is to learn to listen, and respond, to their individual cues. Remember: one 4-month-old’s feeding and sleeping WILL look different to another’s.

There are apps out there now aimed at helping new mothers know when to put their baby down for a nap, or when to feed. I mean that with no disrespect to the app-using mamas out there, but, in all honesty, you MAY be creating so much more of a headache for yourself if you’re trying to put your baby down to sleep before they’re ready. Rather than saying, “it’s 10:30, time for nap,” look at and gauge your baby. Are they exhibiting signs of sleepiness, like rubbing their eyes? Are they fussy, even after changing rooms or activities?

Our babies show us when they’re tired, and that may also change day to day, depending on sleep the night before, teething, activity level, etc.

So, while yes, babies thrive on ROUTINE, they do not thrive on SCHEDULE. If you can learn to be flexible and adaptive to your baby’s needs day to day, you will save yourself so much stress, and effort! Meaning: more left in the tank for mama.

Myth 4: You should "bounce back" as quickly as possible

Reality: "Bouncing back" is not only impossible, but misses the whole point

The whole concept of a woman “bouncing back” (to productivity, exercise, etc.) after growing and birthing a whole human is, quite frankly, ridiculous… and offensive to the sacredness of the process.

A woman’s body is forever changed when she has a baby. Her hormones will take years to return to a similar state as pre-pregnancy, her brain will undergo a myriad of permanent changes designed to help her become the most effective parent possible, and her physical body may never return to its previous shape. And that is okay.

All of this is a fundamentally beautiful thing. Women are bearers of new life. They act as the portal between worlds. It’s utterly incredible to witness a woman pass through the liminal space where new life is grown and birthed. And, in almost every way, this process represents her own rebirth, as well as the birth of her baby.

Our society’s narrative that the goal should be to erase this transformation, and, as quickly as possible, have it seem like it didn’t happen, totally misses the point! We should be celebrating these changes, rather than convincing women to try and appear as if everything is back to “normal”... as if it ever could be!

Letting go of the pressure to “bounce back,” and actually understanding that this isn’t possible (and shouldn’t be the goal), is fundamental to taking care of our postpartum mental health. Not only should we remove any expectation of fitness or physical goals within the first six months (at least) postpartum, but we should build each other up as women and normalize that there is no “bouncing back”, there is only moving forward, and rebuilding.

If we can lean into postpartum being a sacred time for slowing down, being present, and letting go of some of our capitalist programming (“I must be productive, I am product to be perfected”), and instead, know the whole point is to REST with our babies, the postpartum experience can become magical. It can be easy to feel like “nothing ever gets done”, even though our days are packed full, which is where shame can breed. That’s where it becomes critical to remember that our ONLY job during this time is to be present with our babies, to nurture them, and ourselves.

Having conversations to normalize this with our friends, family, and partners beforehand helps to set the stage for realistic expectations. Aka: do not expect the house to be spick and span, or for dinner to be on the table every night at a certain time. Abolishing unrealistic expectations upstream of them becoming an issue, or an additional source of stress, is a very healthy thing to do!

Women should never feel ashamed or broken because they weren’t able to get the tasks or chores done during a day on Mat leave. Our babies have intense needs that we must attend to as often and as consistently as we can. Chores, tasks, and any other version of putting pressure on ourselves to “get back to being productive” serve only to harm our mental health in these first months and years of motherhood. This is not an “excuse”, it is the TRUTH.

Myth 5: You will love every moment of new motherhood

Reality: It's normal to severely dislike certain moments - and still love your baby

New motherhood is gruelling, constant, and reality-shifting.

It’s normal, natural, and expected that there will be MANY moments that you really, severely dislike.

There will be times your baby just won’t stop crying, no matter what you’ve tried. There will be times your baby simply won’t go to sleep, or will wake up 5 times in the first hour they’ve been in bed. These times require immense patience and acceptance, and a remembrance that things won’t be this way forever.

What we don’t normalize enough for new mothers is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them if they really, really hate some of these moments. It doesn’t mean they don’t love and adore their babies. Reality is, sometimes the frustration of dealing with a dysregulated, crying baby can be more than many of our nervous systems have capacity for. In these moments, it’s important to step away or take a few deep breaths, and know that if you’re feeling deep frustration and even resentment for your baby, that’s okay and doesn’t make you a bad mother.

I can remember SEVERAL moments in my daughter's first year where I was really, desperately wanting things to be different in certain moments…

I felt guilty, that I wasn’t just in love with her at all moments. I felt inadequate, that somehow I just didn’t have the patience other mamas had. I felt ashamed, that I resented the situation and even her sometimes.

None of this made me a bad mother, it just made me human. Who would want to wake up 5 times a night, willingly? Who would want to hold a screaming baby, for hours? It didn’t have anything to do with how much I loved her (which is literally more than anything), it just meant I was having a human reaction to shitty, less-than-ideal circumstances.

We have this trope of the endlessly patient mother who can withstand all of this. In reality, that’s not fair, or real, at all. We are just humans, and even the most incredible of mothers still have moments, and even days, where they really hate the phase they’re in.

The more that we can understand these are shared experiences amongst mothers, and that these feelings have no bearing on the love we have for our infants, the less guilt, shame, and isolation we experience. And all of these things equate to better mental and emotional health, postpartum.

Remember: You are doing enough

The early months of motherhood are not meant to be perfect — they’re meant to be human. When we trade unrealistic expectations for compassion, we make space for both ourselves and our babies to feel safe. You are doing enough. You are enough.

Finding support can make all the difference

Adjusting expectations, seeking help, and connecting with others are essential for postpartum mental health. At The Nourished Collaborative, Ally offers perinatal counselling, as well as group support designed to help pregnant and new mothers feel seen, supported, and understood.

Whether it’s personalized guidance or the reassurance of a community that “gets it,” support can transform the early months into a more compassionate, sustainable, and joyful experience. Supporting your perinatal and postpartum mental health should be a priority; it is not selfish, it is selfless, as it allows you to show up for all those in your life, including your baby, in a more empowered way.

Learn more at www.thenourishedco.com.